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January ’22

January 2022? What? Excuse me? The fuck? When? How?

SOS. MY EXPECTATIONS. MY EXACT DREAM FOR MY 20s…

whoa that is a terrible lane I would not prefer to go down ever. Well maybe not ever but not like that ever. I can’t help but look at everything from wayyyy back perspective. It doesn’t matter. How can I expect that my imagination would ever come to reality? That’s now how reality works.

So. I’m learning. What makes me feel good. And right now learning instruments everyday is making me VERY happy. And learning piano from the basics up I’m talking note reading and everything! All that works out my brain and I think that is so fucking important for me. I’m smart. I’m the fuckin most advanced species on earth. It’s a muscle. Needs to be maintenanced right? I think so.

Anyway, music is so good. I’ve also been writing a lot duh what’s new well I’ve been writing a lots of things that RHYME so poems I guess but I’m thinking maybe one day I can turn them into songs if I so please.

Building my family is also so fulfilling… whoa who said that? I just mean, I trust Michael. So much. I have never trusted someone like this. But I know he’s going to handle me and our relationship with care and love because he knows how precious our relationship is. Precious but strong. A solid foundation. A first priority for both  of us. I feel so lucky. How did I get so lucky?

But when I break it down, I’m not just lucky. I worked hard to undo what was done. I worked to untrain my brain of habits that no longer served me, but hurt me.

I spent hours and hours speaking with professionals about my trauma and took their help.

I spent hours learning from them.

I read books. I had hard conversations. I changed my environment.

I left people and houses and relationships that didn’t feel right.

I have always followed my gut. Michael didn’t seem like he’d be what I needed. But he felt right. I followed my heart. And he has been right next to me learning with me. Listening to me vent. He saw my effort and met it with effort.

I did get lucky because everything in his life up to then made him capable of going through this with me. Once we were together, we both worked. We were both open.

It feels like I’m at the starting line of my life. Little things are getting better everywhere.

The other day I saw myself in the mirror and was like helloooo beautiful.

I saw my naked body and felt adoration. love. I don’t know. Just a pride and acceptance that was unfamiliar.

I feel so strong in my relationship.

And I have no fucking clue what I’m going to do with my life but I’m just going to keep listening to my soul.

She knows best.

To a better life.

-M